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30 January 2013 @ 10:28 am
so it's been quite a long time since i last posted in this stupid thing, probably because my emotions have been so messed up & i've not been able to comprehend how i'm feeling. after reading through almost all of my previous post i've realized i need to quit worrying about my damn past so much, that i need to just focus more on my future. i need to quit trying so hard to erase all the feelings i have for you, because no matter how bad i want those feelings to disappear there still gonna be there. i dont know why i'm still after so long, having so many issues of just letting you go like you let me go.

it is a new year, so i'm trying to let my past be nothing more than my past & i'm trying to focus more on myself and just being happy. i still have my job, i'm still driving and i'm working hard for everything that i have. i've been so blessed, more than i deserve & i give all the thanks to the big man above. last year i did lose another best friend, sucks to lose someone your so close with for so long; but there's nothing more that i can do, i just got to wish her the best and hope that she's happy. it just seems that i have no luck what so ever with having friends that are girls, seriously. that's probably why i have more guy friends than girls. god gave us another baby in the family & i'm a aunt again; allie is truly a blessing from above. i'm thankful that i am able to get my nieces & nephews things that i know they will like. i technically don't have nephews but kaleb & pierce feel more like nephews than cousins to me. god has blessed me with another wonderful year with all my family members that i love so much and i couldn't be more happier.

cheers for the new year to come and all the blessing god will bless us with<3
16 August 2012 @ 08:35 pm
so tomorrow starts my diet for real, whether or not i stick to it who knows really...i am determined to stick to it no matter what. i just feel like as of lately i have so many things i need to adjust in my life. i'm working on getting rid of all this negativitiy i have build up and to just continue living in the moment & enjoying my life with the people i care the most for.

work has become so stressful due to a few things that have taken place but i can't let that create problems in my life. i feel like i'm finally starting to shape into the person i used to be, to the person i was way before you were in the picture. right now all i'm focused on is me, the few good friends i have left, my babies & my family. i'm way beyond bless and i have no one to think but the good man above.

i haven't been happy for a while now, i forgot what it even feels like to be happy. i've been used to going out and getting drunk & making the stupiest decisions ever; so from now on those days are over, i dont like the person i was letting myself turn into. so from now on my weekends will be well spent with my grandpa, family & babies. heres to be happy, living life, being positive & family time.<333333
20 May 2012 @ 10:11 pm
"never knew love would hurt this fucking bad, the worst pain that I ever had."


it's been exactly 14 months since we broke up and your face just never seems to leave my mind. it's like your face is sketched in the back of my mind forever. i've become a pro at making people think i'm happy, i have no other choice. i've never been one to pretend, but pretending is the only thing that's been helping get me through. i never thought love could hurt this bad, this is how it feels to have your heart completely shattered. all the words in the world would ever be able to describe how badly i'm hurting.
13 March 2012 @ 01:43 pm
i'd like to wish my mamaw a happy birthday, i'd give anything to have you here so we could all celebrate it together. but we all know your in a much better place. there's not a day or night that goes by that i don't think about you & all the memories we shared together. i know your looking down on me and taking care of me. i miss and love you with every single ounce of my being.<3
12 March 2012 @ 09:13 pm
sadly i don't what's become of me or how i'm feeling; inside i'm an emotional wreck but outside i seem to be perfectly fine or so that's what everyone else seems to think. i don't know if it's because of the fact that i've put myself out there & i've gotten involved on that level with someone who isn't you or what. deep down in my heart i know i'll always love you, i know forever & always you will always have my heart. is it because that's how it's supposed to be or is it because i don't know if i'll ever be able to have it any other way? love, i hate you.

as of lately, your all that's been on my mind..i can think of nothing else. it in all honesty, pisses me off. everything i see makes me think of you, everything i hear takes me straight back to you. does getting over you really have to be this hard, or am i the one making it harder then it has to be?
01 December 2011 @ 01:10 am
the end of the year is approaching and i always seem to post how my year has went all together:

this year has been pretty stressful, exciting, nervous and pretty much every other word that can be used to explain it. i can't really even explain how this year has been, one thing is for sure it's been different. i finally after 5 year got my licenses, i still have my job and i've made some amazing friends this year. i found out what it felt like to have your heart broken, i honestly never thought i was going to get through it but i did. i'm continuing to struggle with it as i type this, i don't really know why but i am. but regardless of how bad i got hurt and even though he's with someone new it doesn't change how i feel; it doesn't make me love him any less.

i'm hoping one day that i can just move on and be at the place i need to be at, i'm hoping one day to find a remarkable man to stand by my side and treat me like a queen; until then i'm going to continue keeping my heart shut off.

i'm finally molding into the woman i always wanted to be, the woman i know that my grandma would be proud of if she were still here with me. i still got some things to work on but i'm getting there. i moved in with my grandpa, not only because i wanted to but because i felt like he needed me now more than ever.

i know a lot of people would have something negative to say about me, call me a bitch and etc but i honestly have the biggest heart ever. i know i'm not the most lady like person ever, but i'd give anyone in need the shirt right off my back if they asked me.

i recently helped with shop with a cop; one of the greatest experiences of my life. i helped give to kids who hardly got anything for christmas, i helped give them what their family couldn't. just seeing how happy they were, just brought a smile to my face and tears on my cheeks. nothing has ever felt so rewarding as it felt to help them.

this year i am so very thankful for my family and i appreciate them all so much & i love them all as well. i'm the luckiest girl in the world.
11 November 2011 @ 11:37 pm

tonight has just been one of those nights, when it feels like weight of the world is on my shoulders & my mind is in overdrive when i should be sleeping:

i'm just gonna bitch and rant until i feel it necesary to stop.

when i think about you, it makes me want to continously over & over stab you in the face. i want to tell you to wake the fuck up and realize everything you have right in the front of your face, all the little things you have that you don't even realize you have. i've come to terms that some people will never be thankful for all the things they have and apparently you are one of those people. you're ungrateful and so fucking inconsiderate, it's really almost a shame.

which is more a shame? you or me wasting my time even writing this? both are equal.

04 October 2011 @ 12:41 pm
this feeling is all too new to me and i don't even know what to do with myself, all i can do is breathe & smile. i'm not getting too excited because you never know when something will crash and burn right up in your face just like that. but all i can say is, i guess we'll wait & see what comes from this; hopefully it's something beautiful. awe is all i can say.

EDIT: i feel like i haven't really put into perspective how scared i really am, this is new to me. hopefully good things come from this or it's just going to be a reminder that good people out there do exist. then again maybe nothing will come out of it, i'm jut excited to see where this goes. man, this is me totally stepping out of my comfort zone and not being afraid like i have been for so long.

i'm just so tired of letting you be the reason for me not being happy; i told myself a million times i was going to be happy with or without you & so far i've stuck to my words. this is me winning.
30 September 2011 @ 10:53 am
i'm my own best friend and i'm the one who reassures myself that everything is going to be alright, even when at times it doesn't really feel that way. i'm stronger now than i ever have been and honestly i couldn't be more happier. i've lost a lot along the way and i've lost who i used to be too but i'm on my way back to self discovery. i'm finding out who i am without you, i am standing on my own two feet again and it's the most amazing feeling ever; words couldn't even express how happy i am with the person i'm becoming. fuck you for trying to bring me down and stepping on me on your way down. man i love my life and my family so much. YES.
20 September 2011 @ 12:05 pm
I finally feel as if I can breath, for the first time in a long time.
It really feels nice, for once I feel like I can completely rely on myself; not someone else.
I'm proving you all wrong, proving that I can make it & that I CAN be happy with or without you.
16 September 2011 @ 08:35 am
this has been the longest self thought out process ever, but it's all been worth it:

my feelings for you still yet remain the same, nothing has changed except for how i'm seeing myself & it's all been seen through much more mature eyes. this has taken me a while to regain my hope, faith in the human race but it's worked out for the better. some days i still feel as if someone is continuiously stabbing me me in the heart, some days i'm numb to the pain and some days i feel nothing at all. out of it all, i'm become a much stronger woman who can withstand anything that is ever thrown in my path.

i love you & i'm pretty sure a small part of me always will carry you around in my heart. i used to hate you for what you put me through, that was intil i realized i never really needed you from the start. i don't really need anyone, i just need to know who i am to get by. i have a job, a car and finally a licenses; i finally feel like my life is on the right track, when for so long i was afraid i would never know who i was or what my purpose was. i didn't think i could make it without you, well i proved myself wrong and it has never felt so good. i'm at a good place in my life and i couldn't be more happy. sure i want to be able to love someone and give them my everything and get it back in return, but who doesn't want that; but right now i'm just content with being without someone, i'm good with not depending on anything but myself. this is to a new beginning. cheers!!
03 August 2011 @ 10:21 pm
who i am pretending?

i love how every story goes back to you, how every memory goes back to you, how everything is about you.
this isn't over yet.
i just can't come to terms with it all, what the fuck is wrong with me?
hopefully this dream will be over shortly and i can pinch myself back to reality.
26 June 2011 @ 10:12 pm
I FEEL AS IF I HAVE SO MUCH ON MY PLATE; so much left unsaid.
i have never been filled with so many bad intentions, as i am now. i don't even know how to feel about you. i do know that you've become someone i am truly disgusted with, someone i fucking despise with every ounce of being. i can't believe i would have given up everything for you, that i would have dropped anything at the drop of the hat for you.  it's funny what you'll do for love. i have never put so much faith and trust in a person, just to have it all threw back up in my face. man.

i'm trying my hardest to just be the bigger person here and not wish you the worst of luck, but it's so hard to want you to be as miserable as i am;  no matter how much you've put me through or what's been said. in reality i want you to be happy, but i can't help but wishing you was happy with me. wishing that i was what was bringing you happiness, not the other girl.

i wished that i could go just one fucking day without thinking about you. is it even possible? is it too much to ask for, to just want back that little ounce of happiness that i used to have? why can't things just be that easy? i wished that i could just forget about you for the time being and that not one thing would remind me of you. that i could make it through one day and not have one thought of you cross my mind. memories of you and what we had, keeps me up at night. i try to re-live the good times, the arguments and even the bad times because just for a little bit, even just for a few minutes it allows me to forget how miserable i really am without you. writing this makes me realizes how pathetic i really sound, it sounds less worse when i don't think about it.

i guess all i can do is be glad that your happy, even if that means you being happy without me; at least i know your happy. i always did say that was all that ever really mattered to me.
I feel like I keep lying to myself, hoping that if I keep telling myself i'll be okay that eventually i'll really start believing that. Some days are a lot better than some, some days are a whole lot worse. I don't feel like these feelings will ever fade, it's to the point that I don't even know how to carry myself or my feelings towards you anymore. I simply love you more than anything and there's nothing I can do about it. I come home to find that you've called, and sadly I don't even know how to react towards it. I want to call you back but then in my mind I know exactly how it's going to be, I know exactly how it's going to play out. I'm not ever going to get past this, I'm never going to get past loving you. It's been all about you ever since I met you, the cycle just keeps on going. I just wished we could work things out and things could go back to the way they were. Oh how I wished things were that simple. I'm miserable and the only bit of happiness i've ever felt came from you and when I was with you. Will I ever get that little bit of happiness back that I used to feel? I guess time is the factor here.
13 June 2011 @ 03:08 am
There comes a time when we stop loving someone, not because
they also stopped loving us, but because we've found that they'd be happier if we let go.

so it's been around three months now since we broke up, it's taken me this long to finally understand that this is how things are supposed to be. i lost a lot along the way, but i've gained even more. for the first time in almost 15 months i can actually say i'm content with not having you around; not because i never loved you but because its what i know i have to do. i'm bettering myself, i'm doing what's best suited for me. us together was like fire & gasoline. i love you, i have from the first time i ever laid eyes on you, and i probably always will. you've been shitty to me, but i don't hold that against you and i never really will; i've forgiven you. some would say you don't deserve that much from me, but i beg to differ. regardless of how you've treated me, i know the real you that not everyone gets to see. they don't see the person that i fell completely in love with.
25 May 2011 @ 06:48 pm

I'm pretty tired of holding on to something that is never going to work out in my favor; it's pretty much a lost cost. You've been my crutch for so long and I don't know how to stand on my own two feet anymore. It's sad honestly, mostly because i've never been one to depend on others to help me stand, i've always stood my own ground. Things aren't getting better, seems things are slowly just getting worse. I've most defiantly seen brighter days, but i'm not giving up finding happiness again; happiness that doesn't come from you, i'll find it you just wait and see.

I have such great things happening in my life and i'm too caught up on you to see those beautiful things and appreciate them like I should have been doing for so long. I have amazing parents, I have the best grandpa, I have the best sisters, beautiful niece and little cousins and I have amazing friends. All together my life is nothing short of amazing. I have a good job, food on my table and a roof over my head. What more could I ask for? So what if the love of my life broke my heart, stuff like this happens daily. There is people out there that have problems far more greater than that and i'm complaining because I gave someone my all and I didn't get that back in return. I know i'll be fine, i'm a fucking tough girl. I got this.
17 May 2011 @ 12:40 pm
so now i'm at this cross road and i don't know where this road is taking me, i'm not going to lie; its by far the scariest thing ever. i don't know what's going to happen with us. i know what i want to happen with us but that's obviously not going to happen..ever. i'm just doing the best i can and taking it one day at a time. i take it as it comes. some days i don't really know how to handle it, other days i think i do. i'm angry with you and i'm even more angry with the person i've let myself become. it's a constant battle either way. i love you and that's pretty much where it ends.
27 March 2011 @ 06:40 pm
so where to even start: it's been about three weeks since you broke up with me. i still can't believe you've already found someone new. this has by far been the hardest thing i have ever had to do, but i know it's not the end of the world even though some days it feels that way to me. each day is a working progress for me, but i know eventually i'll be able to look at it as a good thing instead of the bad thing that i once thought it was. i know in the end, it's the best thing to ever happen. that doesn't mean i never cared or loved you, it really means the complete opposite. as much as i wanted to believe that you were the best thing for me, i knew better. i loved you to the point that it was unhealthy for the both of us. because i let you talk to me awful and i never should have let things get that far but i did. but i can say one thing, i have learned a hell of a lot by being with you. what we had wasn't love, because i know love is a two sided thing, it has to come from both people and it's quite obvious we didn't have that. i know one day i'll find someone that is much more fitted for me, someone to treat me the way i should have been treated the whole time i was with you. good things happen, then they come to an end; same for bad. that's life and you can do nothing but accept it for how it is and move on. and that's exactly what i'm doing NOW. letting go of what i thought i had with you. i could talk shit about you or talk about how shitty of a person you are. but deep down i know somewhere deep down inside of you, you do have good intentions; you just tend to go the wrong way about them. life has a plan for us all. i've swallowed my pride and have started to come to terms that this is how things are going to be: you've found someone new who makes you happy and i have always said that you being happy was really all that ever mattered to me. and your happiness is still all that matters to me now, your happy now and i can't fuck with that. all i can say is, karma will come around and get you when the time is right. so from now on,  i'm going to be happy too and live my life the best way i know how, and then when karma wants to strike it can. letting go, letting go, letting go now.
21 September 2010 @ 12:59 am
I feel like I'm drowning in ice water.
My lips have turned a shade of blue.
I'm frozen with this fear.
That you may disappear.
Before I've given you the truth.

I bleed my heart out on this paper for you.
So you can see what I can't say.
I'm dying here (I'm dying here).
'Cause I can't say what I want to.
I bleed my heart out just for you.

I've always dreamed about this moment.
And now it's here and I've turned to stone.
I stand here petrified.
As I look you in your eyes.
My head is ready to explode.

I bleed my heart out on this paper for you.
So you can see what I can't say.
I'm dying here.
'Cause I can't say what I want to.
I bleed my heart out just for you.

And it's all here in.
Black and white and red.
For all the times.
Those words were never said.

I bleed my heart out on this paper for you.
So you can see what I can't say.
I'm dying here.
'Cause I can't say what I want to.
I bleed my heart out just for you.

I bleed my heart out just for you.
15 February 2010 @ 01:48 am
i can't fucking sleep and i really need to.

i'm fucking stupid. i tried to stretch my ears again up to a 00, after only having 0's in for a week.
i got the taper in but i couldn't get the plug in, so i just said fuck it.

i'm stoked on tomorrow, i can't fucking wait.
rachel & i are going out to eat, then were going to go watch dear john & valentines day.

so i'm going to try to sleep now. night!<333